Spilling Grace



In this mob of I's inside, which one is me? Hear me out. I know I'm wandering, but don't start putting a lid on this racket. No telling what I'll do then. Every moment I'm thrown by your story. One moment it's happy, and I'm singing. One moment it's sad, and I'm weeping. It turns bitter, and I pull away. But then you spill a little grace, and just like that, I'm all light. It's not so bad, this arrangement, actually ~ Rumi

Lila is remorseful when she's done wrong. After throttling her brother and leaving an albeit tiny welt on his neck this evening, we sent her to time out on the stairs. I knew how AJ had annoyed her. I knew he had hurt her feelings tenfold and stolen away with her prized notebook. But we cannot accept physical violence, so up the stairs she went. I gave her five minutes (for in the little I've seen of Nanny 911-ish things, I know that years alive = minutes of reprimanding). Supposedly. Two minutes too long, as far as I'm concerned. Three minutes in, I hugged my Lila bean, interspersing, "Don't ever punch your brother in the neck again" with "I really do know you're a nice person" and wiping her furrowed brow and wet cheeks with our pale blue cereal coated West Elm blanket...

Damn, parenting's tough.

So directly following, I'm giggling with my kids and tickling them, and I keep seeing a flickering light and shadow at the top of the stairs. It's evening time, so my brain told me it was errant sunlight from a sunset separated by lots of windows and arcs. But my heart told me it was Heather... This went on for about 20 minutes. I would look down and focus on AJ and Lila, and then the same damn light/shadow thing would go on above my head. Like someone is dancing in front of a spotlight. I try to self-analyze and end up just thinking that I miss my friend and maybe just want to see something.... But I didn't make those lights up. They surprised me, dammit. They came out of nowhere. So I figure, it can be one of two things: It's Heddy saying hi, or it's my own silly, blue, hidden heart saying hello to her. And either is OK.

In my vision, this universe is sad and happy in equal parts. I want desperately for the Penn State Board of Trustees to say goodbye quietly, and am given hope for the future by the memory and legacy of phenomenal people like Joe Paterno. I cannot believe there was a cruise ship that ignored a stranded boat, sending dying people to the end of the universe, but I am enlightened that there were bird watchers who sent alerts. I can't imagine a "man" as evil as Joseph Kony, but I am greatly inspired by the Invisible Children. Why did Heather have to die?

I try to get a grasp on the larger world, and I'll find out what I can do. And in the mean time, while my donations and hope head out into the universe, my kids remind me in microcosms how very good it all is....

I have been waiting for humor to return after the death of my friend. This life gives a lot of punches. But, as my children know very well, She spills a little grace, and I'm all light...

Laughter to come. xo











Comments

Katie DuRocher said…
I really enjoy your blog. Your darling twins, give me a glimpse into the future of my own 21month yr old boy/girl twins with blonde hair and blue eyes. I recently lost my dear, dear great aunt at 98 just shy of my planned trip to visit her. She led an amazing life up until the end. She was in fantastic health, but fell and bumped her head that triggered fatal injuries. I was left feeling robbed of my planned visit. Your blog has brought me some comfort as I miss her tremedously. I too feel her presence and know she still visits me. I too am left wondering why it was her time to go. I know it is different than losing your dear friend, because Heddy was so young and that in itself is heartbreaking. But, still I am sad. Thanks for sharing. You and your family are simply beautiful!
JennyCB said…
Katie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your great aunt and that you are sad. I think age doesn't matter when it comes to how much you miss someone when they die... (And it also appears that age didn't matter a bit to your wonderful aunt, who lived life every day with youth and optimism!) I'm convinced they pay us visits and that they're witnessing some pretty amazing things right about now... xo (I'd love to see pics of your twins ~ do you have a site I could visit?)
Katie said…
I am really bad about posting pictures and even worse about updating an old blog I started. I just updated some photos on Facebook - its a private profile, but you can find me at Katie Brown DuRocher. I always love seeing your cute twins and hearing your thoughts. You are one of my favorite blogs for sure :) xoxo

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